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you could put your weed in there

You Put Your Weed In It

You Put Your Weed In It

Shopkeeper…..Rob Schneider
Customer #1…..David Spade
Customer #2…..Ellen Cleghorne
Customer #3…..Chris Farley
Cop…..Charles Barkley

[ open on interior, Out of Africa primitive art store ]

Shopkeeper: Hey, may I help you?

Customer #1: Yeah. This is kind of neat, what is it?

Shopkeeper: Oh, that’s from New Guinea. It’s a ceremonial spirit box.

Customer #1: Wow, that’s cool. What do you do with it?

Shopkeeper: You put your weed in there!

Customer #1: Oh. Thank you.

Customer #2: This is neat, is this from South America?

Shopkeeper: You bet. That’s a Yanamano ancestral rattle from Brazil. It’s carved from deer bone, they only make one every seven years, it’s really rare.

Customer #2: What do they use it for?

Shopkeeper: You put your weed in here!

Customer #2: O-kay..

Shopkeeper: No problem.

Customer #3: Where’s this from?

Shopkeeper: Oh, it’s from Borneo. It’s for a Zuluesque puberty ritual. It symbolizes the journey into adulthood.

Customer #3: Really?

Shopkeeper: Yeah. And you can put your weed in here!

Customer #3: So, this has actually been used in puberty rituals?

Shopkeeper: Yeah. And you put your weed in there!

Customer #3: Thanks.

Shopkeeper: No problem.

Customer #1: [ holding artifact ] Hey, uh, excuse me..

Shopkeeper: Oh, this is great! You put your weed in here! Awesome.

Customer #1: Actually, I’m looking for a gift for my mother. Is there anything in here that doesn’t involve weed?

Shopkeeper: [ thinks ] Well.. you can give her this. [ pulls out drum ] It’s a Senegalese talking drum. Only the Head Shayman of Senegal is allowed to use it.

Customer #1: Wow.. that’d be great, she might like something like that.

Shopkeeper: You know what I’d do if I bought it? I’d put my weed in there! Right in there. [ puts it down ] Oh, wait.. I’ve got something else.

Customer #1: Ah.

Shopkeeper: This is a Javanese rain stick. Yeah, it’s for a fertility dance. You can put it in your apartment and hang a plant from it.

Customer #1: That’d be cool, she has a lot of plants. That might be good.

Shopkeeper: You sure she doesn’t like weed?

Customer #1: Yeah, I’m pretty sure.

Shopkeeper: It’s too bad, because it goes right in here. This part unscrews, it’s really great!

[ Cop enters the shop ]

Cop: Hey. Is that your Volkswagon van parked out front?

Shopkeeper: Look, man, there’s nothing in here that you could put weed into!

Cop: I just wanted to tell you that you left your lights on. I turned them off for you.

Shopkeeper: Okay, maybe there’s some things in here that you put tobacco into, or incense or spices into, but definitely not weed!

Cop: What the hell are you talking about?

Shopkeeper: Okay. I guess, if this opened up, you could put weed in it, but I can’t get it open. [ Cop opens it ] It’s not like there’s weed in there!

Cop: [ holds up the weed ] What is this?

Shopkeeper: Weed.

Cop: You’re under arrest!

Shopkeeper: Alright, but don’t bother checking the store! Because there’s no weed in that, and there’s no weed in that, and there’s no weed in that!

Cop: Well, you can talk about it down at the station.

Shopkeeper: Don’t bother checking the back of the store – no wee-ee-eed!

[ Cop pulls Shopkeeper outside ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway’s Romeo & Juliet in 2013. – LinkedIn View all posts by Don Roy King

You Put Your Weed In It You Put Your Weed In It Shopkeeper…..Rob Schneider Customer #1…..David Spade Customer #2…..Ellen Cleghorne Customer #3…..Chris Farley Cop…..Charles Barkley [

SNL Transcripts: Christian Slater: 10/30/93: You Put Your Weed In It

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 19: Episode 5

You Put Your Weed In It

Allen…..Christian Slater
Cop #1…..Phil Hartman
Store owner…..Rob Schneider
Husband…..Kevin Nealon
Wife…..Julia Sweeney
Female Customer…..Melanie Hutsell
Male Customer #1…..Tim Meadows
Male Customer #2…..Adam Sandler

[sign outside store reads ‘Out of Africa- Primitive Art’]

Husband: The pottery animals are really amazing.

Wife: I think they’re native American honey.

Owner: That’s right. That’s a Zuna Maracopa bird. It represents a beloved Zuni folk tale.Wife: What do you do with it?

Owner: Oh you put your weed in there.

Wife: Oh. [Nealon and Sweeney walk out of store]

Owner: Hi can I help you?

Female Customer: Um yeah, what is this?

Owner: It’s a Katchina doll.

Female Customer: What’s that?

Owner: The hopi word ‘katsina’ or ‘katchina’ is used in 3 ways. It refers to spirit beings, the mass dancers who impersonate these beings, or the painted wooden figurines, which represent these dancers. The katchina was very important in the religious life of the ancient Pueblo people.

Female Customer: Wow that’s fascinating.

Owner: Yeah and you put your weed in there. [points to inside of object]

Female Customer: Thanks. [walks away]

Male Customer #1: [approaches counter] How ya doin? Hey you sold me this thing last week.

Owner: Right, a Pafue funeral mask.

Male Customer #1: Yeah but I put my weed in there- can’t get it out.

Owner: Woah I think you better talk to our customer service guy. Allen!

Allen: Hey what up man?

Owner: This guy can’t get his weed out of there.

Allen: Let me take a look. Woah, no wonder, man it’s completely full of weed. How much weed did you put in there?

Male Customer #1: As much as it’ll hold.

Allen: You gotta use common sense. We always tell our customers: if you think you put too much weed in there, you probably did.

Owner: You were jamming weed in there like it had some kind of tantalese harvestyle, what did you expect?

Allen: We’re gonna have to keep this overnight to get the weed out.

Male Customer #1: Ok thanks a lot.

Male Customer #2: [approaches Allen] Hey is this from Egypt?

Allen: Uh yeah, it’s an ancient scarab made by the Egyptians over 4,000 years ago.

Male Customer #2: What did they use it for?

Allen: Archaeologists don’t really know, but I have a theory.

Male Customer #2: What’s that?

Allen: They put their weed in there.

Male Customer #2: Ok thanks man. [phone rings as Sandler walks away]

Owner: [answers phone] Hello?… Yeah Uh huh No you put you weed in there No problem [puts down phone]. [2 cops walk in]

Owner: [talking to Allen] It’s ok, stay calm, just don’t mention weed.

Allen: Don’t mention weed.

Allen and Owner: [after pause] Weed! Weed!Cop #1: What’s that?

Allen and Owner: Nothin.

Cop #1: You called to report a theft.

Owner: Well yeah I did. Someone stole a jurajian ancestor figurine and it had something very valuable in it, but we can’t tell you what it is.

Cop #1: Well why not? You want it back right?

Allen and Owner: No yes.Cop #1: You guys aren’t being very helpful.

Owner: Can I talk to you in private? [he walks over with cop #1] Look this whole place is full of weed and it’s all his. [points to Allen]

Cop #1: What’s that in your pocket?

Owner: Weed

Cop #1: Alright you’re under arrest.

Owner: It’s his weed!

Allen: His weed!

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway’s Romeo & Juliet in 2013. – LinkedIn View all posts by Don Roy King

SNL Transcripts: Christian Slater: 10/30/93: You Put Your Weed In It Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 19: Episode 5 You Put Your Weed In It Allen…..Christian Slater Cop