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how to spot a stoner

10 Ways To Identify A Stoner

As a recreational marijuana consumer starting a new job, I always have one question on my mind my first week – how many of my co-workers also consume marijuana? I came up with a list of things I look for. If you have something else to add that you think I missed, please do so in the comments! Realize that this is in no way a comprehensive list of every thing that applies to every marijuana consumer of all time.

This list might come in handy when you start a new job, move to a new area, or just like to people watch. There are many ways to identify a stoner; below are ten things that I look for:

10. Wears lots of tie dyed clothing; plays hacky sack and disc golf

Any one of these items by themselves is not enough evidence to conclude that a person is a stoner. But when you find someone doing two or three of them, chances are good that the person is a stoner. Tie dyed clothing, hacky sack, and disc golf are three of my favorite things!

9. 80% of diet is cereal and corner market burritos

Cereal is the staple of any stoner’s diet. It’s fast, tasty, and kills the cottonmouth. But every once in awhile stoners need protein, which is why God invented the corner market ‘deli’ section.

8. Asks everyone if they’re ‘cool’ or ‘down’

We have all been there before; starting a new job, or going to a new school, or just meeting someone new. After a little bit of posturing, the question eventually comes out, “So…are you ‘cool/down?’ These words equivalent to a Freemason handshake; they are the unofficial stoner membership words. If you hear these words, especially in a ‘conspiracy theory tone,’ it can only mean one thing.

7. Always has a lighter, but doesn’t smoke cigarettes or use candles

If the person always has a lighter in their pocket or vehicle, yet they don’t smoke cigarettes or own candles, chances are good the person is a stoner. Of course, they could just REALLY be into fireworks, so look for additional identifiers.

6. They think a trip to Amsterdam would be ‘killer’

Have you ever met someone that wanted to go to Amsterdam that WASN’T a stoner?? Is there any other reason to go there, other than to sample the best chronic in the world? If someone is talking positively about Amsterdam, they are almost certainly a stoner.

5. Seems to be fascinated by the number ‘420’

Anytime the clock strikes 4:20 p.m., or the number 420 pops up in anyway, it really gets stoners excited. I worked at a country club once, and we had 420 guests for the Easter Brunch. Within ten seconds of the number 420 being announced, I knew that 75% of the staff was stoners, which was awesome because we had a group puff session immediately after we got off work.

4. Owns a large collection of stoner music

If you look through the person’s music collection, and there is lots of Phish, Grateful Dead, Sublime, 311, etc, then you may have identified a stoner. But be careful; posers can listen to stoner music too. My sister and her friends listen to stoner music, yet they are total rookie-posers, so this method is not 100% guaranteed. However there is a method that is 100%; if any of the previously mentioned music is on homemade cassette tapes, especially live recordings, you have identified a full blown pothead! I was in my high school English teacher’s office once, and found a huge cache of homemade Grateful Dead tapes….

3. Horrible at math but is a wiz at fractions dealing with 1/8ths, 1/4ths, 1/2s….

Do you know a person like this? They can’t add 2 + 2, or calculate the tip on a dinner bill, but if you ask them what 1/4 plus 1/8 is they all of a sudden become a mathematician? You ask them how many grams are in an ounce and they give you the answer ‘Well most people say 28 grams, but a real ounce weighs 28.375…’ If calculus were based on measuring parts of ounces, maybe more college students would major in math!

2. Lots of empty ‘Visine’ bottles around

When I was a little kid my stepdad had a cemetery of empty ‘Visine’ bottles in the glove box of his vehicle. And YES, he was one of the biggest stoners of all time…not coincidence.

1. Resin on the lighter

This is a sure fire giveaway. If there is some black ‘gunk’ on the bottom-front of the lighter, the owner of that lighter has been packing down bong/pipe bowls in true stoner fashion.

How Do You Identify A Stoner? As a recreational marijuana consumer starting a new job, I always have one question on my mind my first week – how many of

10 ways to tell a Stoner

I’ve decided to have a little fun with this blog. I’ve seen many lists around the internet titled “how to tell if someone is a stoner.” These are usually filled with ridiculous stereotypes and antics which refer to pot-culture. I’m here to make my own list. I feel I can usually spot a stoner the minute I see one. This list isn’t to be taken super seriously, but instead, have fun with it.

10.) They always have a lighter.

This is so freaking true. It doesn’t account for all people, some kids just like to burn things. Most stoners carry lighters or at least have one in their car. Usually it’s unconscious, but if someone has a lighter, and no cigarettes, odds are they’re a stoner.

Many stoners have an underlying tone in their speech. There is the extreme hippy version that most people identify with: “Heyyyy mannnnn whhaaattss uppp.” There is also the average stoner. Usually, stoners aren’t exasperating with energy. There is an underlying smooth, laid back tone in their vernacular. They’re not very loud or rambunctious. It seems more introspective and somber-not that it necessarily is, it just sounds that way. Even if they’re hyper, there’s still a relaxing, wavy feeling which accompanies it.

Going off tone, a stoner always has his/her lingo. If you ever here people use terms like straight, word, chill, dope or dank in regular speech, chances are they’re a stoner.

The way a person dresses says a lot about their personality. Depending on what type of person you are depends on how you dress. There are stoner accessories such as hemp necklaces and bracelets. Bandanas and tie-dye with fractal patterns are usually a given. Many stoners have an appreciation for color and art, so they may illustrate this appreciation through fancy t-shirts or flat brims. A pot-head on a bad day is usually looking grungier than most his/her peers. On these days, a huge sense of “I don’t care” is written all over their outfit. No matter what the stoner is wearing, his/her clothes look comfortable. Stoners usually have cool shoes too. If they’re not cool than they’re at least comfortable.

A lot guys who smoke a lot of marijuana have small man boobs and a slight belly. This is kind of a generalization, but when one is stoned, his/her muscles are relaxed. This causes things to sag. Despite the fact too that many of these kids who are stoned probably just ate something and most likely haven’t done anything physical that day. Other universal bodily implications are bags/clouds under their eyes. This usually becomes permanent, the more habitual the marijuana use.

5.) At a party, the stoner is always standing straight against the wall, with another stoner

I’ve seen it every time and will continue to see it. These are usually the guys who have something on them

If you ever mention something about weed around a stoner, they smirk. This usually leads to a conversation about weed and usually ends with either “Hey let me get your number, we should smoke later” or “Hey do you want to smoke right now”

3.) A disdain for the Police

Most stoners share the same disliking for the local authorities. This is because pot is illegal and most police don’t smoke pot.

Stoners usually have a wide variety of music you’ve probably never heard of, whatever the genre may be.

1.) They always have some intellectual idea that is usually irrelevant.

We like to call these “High-deas.”

That is my list, I hope you enjoyed. If you have any other ideas, feel free to comment.

I've decided to have a little fun with this blog. I've seen many lists around the internet titled "how to tell if someone is a stoner." These are usually filled with ridiculous stereotypes and antics which refer to pot-culture. I'm here to make my own list. I feel I can usually spot a stoner the…