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I Made My Girlfriend Choose Between Me and Weed

You’ve got problems, I’ve got advice. This advice isn’t sugar-coated—in fact, it’s sugar-free, and may even be a little bitter. Welcome to Tough Love .

This week we have a guy who doesn’t like that his girlfriend smokes weed, so he proposed to her.

I Despise Dogs But My Fiancée Loves Them

You’ve got problems, I’ve got advice. This advice isn’t sugar-coated—in fact, it’s sugar-free, and…

Keep in mind, I’m not a therapist or any other kind of health professional—just a guy who’s willing to tell it like it is. I simply want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn lives. If for whatever reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . Now then, let’s get on with it.

I’ve been with this girl for over a year, and no matter how much we compromise she continues to do what she claimed she wouldn’t. After New Year’s, it was her resolution to stop smoking weed, but she quickly changed her mind. I feel like it’s killing me every time she does it. She could not even talk to me after smoking the last time.

So, I took her to the place she spoke about when we first met, proposed, and put my heart and soul completely out there. I asked her to choose me or drugs, and I have yet to hear from her. She normally waits a few days to respond, but there’s only so much stress I can handle! And she claims I’m stressing her out with “my rules.” I feel as if I’m being manipulated, but I love her so much I’d do anything for her. Could she be taking my love, time, and trust for granted? Should I block all contact information, move on, and handle myself?

She’s broken my trust a lot in the past, whether it was her going out or doing things she had promised she would never do. She always comes back running into my arms, but she hasn’t texted me nor talked to me since yesterday, and it has me feeling as if she’s cheating or choosing a drug over me. I feel as if I’m walking through this blind and she’s being as belligerent as possible.

Sincerely,
Not So High Guy

Hey Not So High Guy:

You say it “kills you” each time she smokes weed, but I’m guessing since you’ve only been together for a year that she did this before you started dating. Did you go into this expecting her to change for you? Were you under some weird assumption you could “fix” her horrible non-addiction to a non-habit forming substance? Whether you pressured her into her resolution or not (it sounds like you did), it’s her resolution and she can do whatever she wants. It’s not her duty to try to squeeze into the mold you’ve set forth. She just doesn’t fit.

So you decided to propose. Wrong move, dude! You don’t like who she is, so you ask her to marry you? That doesn’t make any sense. Doubling down is not how you fix problems in a relationship! On top of that, your proposal was an ultimatum, and a pretty judgmental one at that. Instead of a sweet, romantic gesture, you offered her some kind of plea bargain deal. Like you’ll forgive her for her “transgressions” if she’s willing to live under your rule. No wonder she hasn’t responded yet. She’s not manipulating you, NSHG, and she’s not taking your love, time, or trust for granted. She probably just isn’t sure if she wants to marry someone who acts like her probation officer all the time, telling her what she can and can’t do for the rest of her life. Nobody wants that, even if you mean them well.

She’s more of a free spirit who likes to go out and get high every once in a while, and you’re more of a straight edge, good-clean-fun kinda guy. Both types of people are totally fine, but they rarely mix well. I mean, at this point she’s probably very aware that you don’t like her smoking weed, yet she continues to do it anyway. I’m thinkin’ thats your cue to move on, not push harder. Also, you clearly have some control issues that are worth addressing. Hell, you can’t even give her some space to think about your life-altering proposal/deal without assuming she’s off getting high and banging some other dude! Stop seeing everyone else as rule breakers that don’t adhere to your preferences and start seeing people for who they really are: imperfect beings that are just looking for someone to accept them. Some of them will be a good fit for you, and others won’t.

That’s it for this week, but I still have plenty of blunt, honest advice bottled up inside. Tell me, what’s troubling you? Is work getting you down? Are you having problems with a friend or a coworker? Is your love life going through a rough patch? Do you just feel lost in life, like you have no direction? Tell me, and maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but sometimes what you need is some tough love. Ask away in the comments below, or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page (please include “ADVICE” in the subject line). Or tweet at me with #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT EMAIL ME IF YOU DON’T WANT YOUR REQUEST FEATURED. I do not have time to respond to everyone just for funsies. ‘Til next time, figure things out for yourself.

You’ve got problems, I’ve got advice. This advice isn’t sugar-coated—in fact, it’s sugar-free, and may even be a little bitter. Welcome to Tough Love.

What Smoking Weed Can Do To Your Relationship

Smoking marijuana is affecting your dating and sex life more than you think.

Now that 23 states and DC have legalized weed, 4 of them for recreational use as well as medical, the debate about whether it enhances – or ruins – sex and relationships is raging hotter than ever. Can a couple survive when only one is a pothead? Does weed make sex mind-blowing or forgettable? Here, eight readers light up the highs and lows of dating in the stoned age.

The Productive Pothead

“My boyfriend and I both smoke weed, and that’s just a part of our lives. Just like I do yoga and he rides bikes, it’s just another thing. We buy weed together. He packs bowls for me — he’s the organizer of all the weed stuff, and I just smoke it. My boyfriend is an engineer for a tech start-up, and I run my own business as a web designer. We both attribute the amount of weed we smoke — we light up almost every day — to the fact that our jobs are so highly technical. It helps us turn our brains off from that mode. If you’re a functional pothead, you don’t have to think twice about it.” – Emily, 28, web designer, San Francisco, CA

The Post-Alcohol Smoker

“My boyfriend is pretty much the only person I smoke with. at home, at night, or on weekends during the day. When we have sex after smoking, there’s definitely more of an observational quality to it. I’m kind of outside myself, observing, instead of in it and in my head. A kind of cool detachment happens. And afterward, I feel like I’m more open to talking about something that happened or something that I liked. Alcohol for me is definitely a depressive experience. I used to have so much fun when I drank, and now it’s just not that fun anymore. When I smoke, I like who I am a little bit more, and I’m able to express myself better.” – Kristin, start-up founder, NYC

The Third Wheel

“I was dating this guy who was otherwise very sweet and wonderful, but there was an addiction issue. He couldn’t go to parties without knowing at what point in the night he’d get to go back to his place, or go somewhere else, and smoke. The only way he could get out of bed or get ready for the day (he was in school at the time) was to smoke. It was embarrassing to have to explain to friends. There’s a difference between the casual stoner who prefers smoking to drinking and the guy who can’t have normal social behavior. It got to a point where I just became so frustrated with the inconvenience. It really doesn’t work for me to be out at a restaurant or have plans to go see a play later and for him to say ‘I can’t because I have to go smoke.’ That necessity was totally disruptive. It was like having a third person in the relationship. I broke it off.” – Lee, 24, fundraiser, Boston, MA

The Medical Marvel

“Depression has run in my family for generations. I started going to therapy for it in sixth grade. I’ve tried every antidepressant under the sun, and nothing ever really worked for me. But I keep taking them just to keep it in check. Now I’m taking Celexa. In college, I had no sex drive whatsoever. I bounced around on different medications to try to fix that, and nothing really helped until I tried smoking. Now, I am an everyday weed smoker, and I do think it helps my depression. and my relationship with my boyfriend. When I smoke, I get very relaxed and super horny. I’m like a ravenous frat boy. I had a boyfriend with a very low sex drive, and it was too much for him. It was always a point of contention. But my current boyfriend loves it!” – Meghan, 29, journalist, NYC

The Industry Insider

“My boyfriend is super supportive of me being in this industry, working for a vaporizer company. He’s a musician, and cannabis and music often go hand in hand. He’s totally supportive and actually very helpful. All his friends come over and try the vaporizers, giving real-time feedback. The way dating is today, the girl can be the aggressive one, going after the guy. A bunch of my friends don’t use cannabis, and they’re like, ‘How do you do that?’ And I’m like, ‘You just invite them over to hit the vape.’ Then the guys are like, ‘Oh my god, this is the coolest girl ever. I want to marry her.'” – Brianna, 28, director of marketing for a vaporizer company, Nashville, TN

The Stoner Buddy

“I love my boyfriend so much, but when he is stoned, he becomes a different person. He’s totally out of it and quiet, and his breath and saliva taste really different and not appealing. He has this one friend he’s always smoking weed with, and I think that’s also what bums me out most. The fact that when he gets with this one friend, it’s all about doing drugs. I just feel like when you get into real life — aka after college — it’s important not to have your social activities revolve around drugs, no matter how innocuous they seem.” – Emily, 26, writer’s assistant, Los Angeles, CA

The Dating Dilemma

“I seem to gravitate toward a certain type. They are always creative and very passionate about what they do, but they also happen to be very big pot smokers. It’s like they need pot to enrich their creative selves. They become so dependent on smoking all the time that you don’t know if you like the person better stoned or not stoned. It gets to the point where it is confusing what their true nature is. With one guy I dated, smoking was so much of who he was, I never really knew when he was and wasn’t high, what was his pure nature and what was his stoned nature. I think I liked him better high — he was less edgy. But I would question myself. Is it bad that I like his altered version more? Pot can definitely make it hard to connect, especially when you’re first getting to know someone.” – Jillian, 25, graphic designer, NYC

The Colorado Quitter

“I am more likely to have drinks on a date than smoke weed. Even though weed is legal in Colorado, you can’t smoke in restaurants or some other public places, so it usually happens at someone’s house. My friends always said having sex while high on weed was so good that you shouldn’t do it, because you wouldn’t enjoy sober sex as much. They were right — when I tried it, it was awesome. High sex makes your mind and body more sensitive to pleasure, and in comparison to drunk sex, it’s less. aggressive? You don’t remember the act of it as much as the feeling because you are in another state of mind. I had a bad experience with weed a couple of months ago where I fainted, so I stopped smoking. Even though I liked high sex, I think it’s more important to enjoy sex with your partner sober because you’re more focused on each other’s needs, rather than just being horny because you’re high.” – Christina, 22, marketing student, Boulder, CO

This was originally published as “Love & Sex & Weed” in the August 2015 issue of Cosmopolitan. Click here to subscribe to the digital edition.

Smoking marijuana is affecting your dating and sex life more than you think.