family guy legalize weed episode

Family Guy (1998–…): Season 7, Episode 12 – 420 – full transcript

Brian becomes the leading proponent for legalization of marijuana in Quahog.

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there’s a family guy

Lucky there’s a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

He’s a family guy

Peter, I want you and the guys
to come over to my house right now.

We’re drinking. What for?

Just come over.
I want you to see something.

All right. Come on, guys.
We’re going to Quagmire’s.

All right, hang on.
I gotta go to the bathroom first.

Oh, finally! Come on. Come on.
Come on inside.

Well, what is it? What’s the big damn deal?

Yeah! I just got him today.
His name’s James.

Isn’t he just the cutest thing
you’ve ever seen?

Watch when I scratch his bottom.
He sticks his fanny in the air.

We have liftoff. We have liftoff.

Come here, James.

What the hell are we doing?

Quagmire, since when do you like cats?

Since I found this little guy
living under my house.

I’ll tell you this.

I understand now why the pharaohs
worshipped these animals.

Oh, look, Joe. He’s making friends.

You know what? It’s all right, Quagmire.

That leg is mostly pus.

Okay. Here it comes, James.

Here comes the part I was
telling you about.

You’re one of those!

– I hate Quagmire lately.
– Me, too.

That cat has totally
changed his personality.

Yeah. Like, when I went over
to his house the other day.

It’s me, Quagmire.
I need to borrow your lawnmower.

Quagmire’s not here.

It’s just me, James.
I’m supposed to watch the house.

Come on, Quagmire.

It’s 97 degrees out here.
We’re two grown men.

Are you selling yarn? ‘Cause I love yarn.

No. I need to borrow your lawnmower.

Oh, I don’t think Quagmire
wants me to do that.

I don’t think Quagmire appreciated
the condition you returned it in last time.

– Glenn, can I just.
– No! You can’t have it!

Hey, guys. It’s James’ birthday tomorrow.

Would you all sign his card?

You want us to sign a card for your cat?

Yeah. And don’t just put your name.
Write something clever.

God, I hate having to come up
with something on the spot.

“Have a mice day. Best fishes. Peter. “

Thanks. That’s great.

Well, I gotta get going.

I’m heading off to Vermont
to get James’ birthday present.

There’s this neat little store
called Cattitudes

that makes all this neat cat stuff.
See you guys later.

He’s going all the way to Vermont
for cat gifts and whatnot?

You can get a scratching post
down at Walmart for $2,

pair of Lee jeans for $9.

You know, they got seats for children now.

You put them right in your car.
Supposed to make them safer.

Only problem is you can’t lean your seat
all the way back. Oh.

We gotta do something about this.
His whole life is about that stupid cat.

Hey, you know, the cat’s alone
at Quagmire’s right now.

You know what we should do?
We should go over there and shave it.

That’s a great idea! Let’s do it!
Let’s shave the cat!

Oh, boy! I usually only get this excited

when they say the title of a movie
in the movie.

I’m telling you
these drug dealers represent

a clear and present danger
to the United States!

He said it! He said it!

All I’m saying is what if this
is as good as it gets?

There it is! There it is!

The only way
for me to solve this crisis

The Quest for Peace.

Oh, that’s why they call it that.

All right. The cat’s gotta be in here.

Hey, let’s take a man-sized poop
in his cat box,

so he thinks there’s something
really wrong with him.

Yeah, shaving time.
All right, hand me the razor.

Peter, you killed it!

Will you guys relax?
He’s got eight more lives.

Okay, seven more lives.

Six. Five. Four. Three.

Peter, stop doing what you’re doing.

All right. All right. I have an idea.

How about we hide the cat’s body
and leave that window open?

And that way it’ll seem like
the cat ran away.

We’ll never get away with that!

Oh, we just might.
You see, I’ve got a lucky cat’s foot.

You know, Peter,
it’s sort of adding insult to injury

raiding Quagmire’s fridge for beer
after you killed his cat.

“Or is it?” is my response.

God, I hate cops.

Almost as much as I hated
my overly sensitive car alarm.

What do we got, partner?

Empty alcohol containers.

The driver’s inebriated
and covered in blood.

He’s got scratches on his face and arms.

There’s a blood-soaked corpse
in the back seat.

Got shovels in there,

and a hand-drawn map titled
“This Is Where We’ll Hide the Body. “

Well, that all seems fine.
Sorry to bother you, sir.

Pot! Small amount of pot!

You’re under arrest, dirtbag!

I don’t appreciate drug addicts in my town!
I’m a family guy!

All right, Brian.
Your family’s here to bail you out.

Brian, if you don’t mind,

we’ll start thinking up
our prison-rape jokes immediately.

I’ll break the ice.

Hey, Brian, did you do hard time?
Or hardly working?

All right. All the pieces are there.
Somebody make something out of that.

Hey, Brian. Who’s your favorite
baseball player? Albert Pujols?

Chris, stop it! Come on.
Brian, we’re happy you’re out of jail.

And when we get to the car,
would you like a donut to sit on?

You see? I’m part of it!
I’m part of it like everyone else!

I can’t believe they threw me in jail
for a quarter ounce of pot.

Well, Brian, it’s your own fault.
I mean, pot is illegal for a reason.

Lois, don’t be a hypocrite.
You’ve smoked pot.

Well, sure, Brian,
but I’m thinking about the children.

Pot’s illegal mainly to protect them.

No, no. Pot is illegal
because William Randolph Hearst

ran a smear campaign against marijuana
in the 1930s

to protect his interests
in the timber industry,

because hemp was poised to replace wood
as an inexpensive raw material

for the manufacture of paper.

There’s your smear campaign
right there, Brian.

Mom’s right. Drugs are bad, Brian.

I mean, haven’t you seen
those commercials?

Open up, Brian. It’s Joe.

Crap! Just a sec.

Brian, under your probation, you’re
required to submit to random drug tests.

I need some urine.

You mean right now?

Here’s some magazines to get you going.

Uh, how’s that gonna.

Oh, sorry. It’s been awhile.

Look, I don’t really feel comfortable
doing this in front of you.

Fine. I’ll wait outside.

Here’s a bottle of lotion.

– Uh, Joe.
– Right, sorry.

– Stewie, I need your urine!
– Really?

Yeah. Joe is doing a drug test,

and if I give him some of mine,
he’s gonna know I’ve been smoking pot.

So I need some of your urine, so I can.

Uh, you don’t have to be naked for this.

But I don’t have to not be naked
for it, either.

Come on, Stewie. Hurry up and pee.
Joe’s waiting for me.

Brian, you know I can’t go
unless you stare at it.

Brian, what the hell?

The jig’s up, Brian! Run!

Brian, is this how you’re trying
to pass your drug test?

By stealing a baby’s urine?
My God, that is just sick!

No. What’s sick is making marijuana illegal

when it’s been proven that it does
less damage to you than alcohol.

No. What’s sick is the plot
of the movie Baby Mama.

What happens
when a 40-year-old woman

asks her 41-year-old friend
to carry her baby?

Push, Angie, push!
Push harder. Oh, it’s dead.

Brian, when you have to go
to these lengths

just to get away with smoking pot,
it’s time to make a change.

You’re right, Lois.
It is time to make a change.

– Thank you.
– It’s time for Quahog to legalize marijuana.

What? That’s not exactly what I meant.

Hey, check out the size
of Stewie’s penis.

Oh, come on, guys!
It’s just the way God made me.

No more oppression!
We as American adults with free will

have the right to use marijuana
if we choose to!

Enough government profiteering
under the guise of morality!

Enough with this phony war on drugs!

You know, you’re going about this
all wrong, Brian.

If you want to win people over,
you can’t just drone on like Ben Stein.

You’ve got to have
a little more showmanship.

Now, everybody gather round
and listen if you would

When I tell you every person needs
a way of feeling good

Every kitty needs a ball of string
and every dog a stick

But all you need is a bag of weed
to really get a kick

One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight!

A bag o’ weed, a bag o’ weed

Oh, everything is better
with a bag o’ weed

It’s the only help that you’ll ever need

Because everything is better
with a bag o’ weed!

There you go. You’re all getting it now.

They go assault a queer

They rent The Rocketeer

– He humps a guy like me
– Right!

But all we need is a bag o’ weed
to keep us worry free

One, two, three, ho!
A bag o’ weed, a bag o’ weed

Oh, everything is better
with a bag o’ weed

No, you don’t need meth
and you don’t need speed

Because everything is better
with a bag o’ weed

Have a go, Brian.

As Mr. H. L. Mencken said
‘”The common man’s a fool'”

And just like Helen Keller said.

But try and use your heads
and don’t buy into all the fear

Because all we need is a bag o’ weed
to make us want to cheer

And one, two
A bag o’ weed, a bag o’ weed

Oh, everything is better
with a bag o’ weed

You can try and fight but we’re all agreed

Because everything
is better with a bag o’ weed

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight

And a one, two, three, four

And a five, and a six
and a seven. Oh!

A bag o’ weed, a bag o’ weed

Oh, everything is better
with a bag o’ weed

You’re a happy guy
when you plant the seed

Because everything is better
with a bag o’ weed

Oh, everything is better
with a bag o’ weed!

As Mayor of Quahog, I hereby sign
into law the legalization of marijuana.

Good evening, everyone.
Our top story, marijuana is now legal.

Legal in Quahog.

And it’s made everything just so great.

Okay, you. You can read the next one.

– No, you can.
– No, you.

– Let’s read it both together.
– Okay.

Here’s Ollie Williams
with a BlaccuWeather forecast.

How’s the weather look, Ollie?

See, Lois? Tell me things in Quahog
aren’t better now.

It’s just weird, Brian.

I still don’t think I’m comfortable
with the whole idea.

Look, Lois, ever since marijuana
was legalized, crime has gone down,

productivity is up, and ratings
for Doctor Who are through the roof.

Yeah. But Peter’s so baked lately
he can hardly set up a cutaway.

Man! This is even better than. No, wait.

No, this is worse than. Better.
I don’t know.

Here’s a list of celebrities I don’t like.

Mr. Pewterschmidt? Hey, how you been?

I’m sorry to hear that. Wow! A limo, huh?

Hey, are these Diet Rites just to take?

No! Those are my Diet Rites!

Now, listen, Griffin.

Thanks to your dog’s
stupid marijuana crusade,

Fabric, fuel and paper.

Which means I’m losing billions
in timber dollars.

I had to sell my Bangles records.

I was still working
on memorizing all the words.

My back is hurting
from the chair I’m sitting on

Where’s the Tylenol?

If I lay down flat on the floor
it usually kind of fixes it

Tony Danza from Who’s the Boss?
Says, ‘”A-oh, a-oh, oh-a, oh-a-oh! ‘”

I’m losing money, and it’s your dog’s fault.

Now, I have to get hemp illegalized again,

and the only way to do that
is to start a fear campaign

designed to turn people against pot.

Will you help me?

Gosh, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
I could never go against Brian like that.

I’ll give you this light-up butterfly yo-yo.

– To keep?
– Not to keep!

You can use it today
and one more day in the summer.

All right, Carter. I finished
cutting together our anti-pot video.

“Hey, I got a great idea.
Let’s kill six million Jews. “

“Hooray! Yeah! Yeah, I’m on
board! How did you come up with that?”

“I got the idea from. From.
Well, from while I was smoking pot.

“Anybody else who likes pot,
reach for my joint. “

“Oh, there it is!
Give us some of that!”

“Now, let’s go to France
and steal all their objects de art. ‘”

“All right!
Let’s go to France. “

Damn it! That was Fox News.

Apparently, they own the rights
to Hitler’s likeness

and they won’t have him slandered.

You know me from the movie Harold,
Kumar & Peter Go to White Castle.

As you can see, I am enjoying
a White Castle burger. Why?

Because I don’t do drugs.

Took me five minutes
to get to White Castle.

I didn’t get diverted
by all those crazy high jinks.

‘Cause I don’t get high.

It was a good movie, though.

You know Neil Patrick Harris got the job

on How I Met Your Mother
’cause of that movie?

You know, I’ve only seen that show once,

but I gotta tell you,
what’s really weird to me is

why is the voice of the guy
from the future Bob Saget?

I mean, the guy on the show,
he’s already an adult, you know?

So it’s not like he’s gonna
grow into Bob Saget.

It doesn’t make sense.

Thank you for your time.

Well, what do you think?

Look, Daddy,
I agree with what you’re trying to do,

but I just don’t think this is gonna work.
It’s so artificial.

You’re asking for a spanking, young lady.

Peter, the reason Brian succeeded
in his cause

is that he spoke with such passion.

No offense, but you two just
don’t have that talent.

Are you kidding? I can be very persuasive.

That’s how I used to lure wayward sailors
to their deaths with my siren song.

Hello, Brian. You’re looking good.
Nice shiny coat.

Don’t try to butter me up, Carter.
Why did you call me here?

Come inside.
There’s something I want to show you.

It’s your novel, Brian,
Faster than the Speed of Love.

Ready to ship out tomorrow.

All you have to do is publicly
come out against pot.

Forget it, Carter.
I’m not gonna take your bribe.

I don’t care if you printed a million copies.

I printed two million.

And I even commissioned an oil painting
for your author’s photo.

Is this an Oprah Book Club sticker?
I think it is.

Wait. Really? Oh, my God!

Plus, I can get you a night in bed
with Oprah.

Okay, just the sticker then.
So what do you say? Is it a deal?

You don’t have to sell out like this, Brian!

Your novel is good enough
to be published on its own merits.

– You think so?
– Yeah, you bet.

This is your shot, Brian.
You can be a superstar author.

All you got to do is make an impassioned
anti-pot speech in public.

Forget it, Carter!

Even Stewie says the book
is good enough on its own.

Maybe do a song about why pot is bad.

And that’s why pot is bad

I’ve heard all I need to make
an informed decision.

Marijuana is hereby re-illegalized.

In other news,
a local Quahog author has set a record

for the worst-selling novel of all time.

Brian Griffin’s
Faster than the Speed of Love

has astonishingly not sold a single copy

thanks to universal panning
by literary critics.

Coming up, children are getting sexier,
and that’s.

That’s pretty cool.

This is so humiliating.
I sold out everything I believed in,

and I have nothing to show for it.
My book’s a bomb.

Well, look at it this way.
You did accomplish something.

Marijuana’s illegal because of you,

and Stewie got to build a nice little fort
with all of your unsold books.

My house is made of mediocrity.

Hey, guys. I want you to know
I’m raising my reward to $50

for anyone who can help me find James.
No questions asked.

Transcript for Tv Show Family Guy – Season 7 Episode 12 – 420